As many of you know I joined a free dating website.  It’s been wildly entertaining as you get to meet all sorts of characters you’d otherwise never see.

It’s also wildly entertaining in that it provides me with countless fodder for regaling my co-workers.

Some things that are always good for a laugh (gosh I sound like such a jerk) are women’s reactions when they realize that I have zero interest in dating them.  They range from the understanding (i.e. those that realize they can find someone much better than me) to the clinically insane (i.e. that girl who lived in College Station who may or may not have told me I was going to burn in Hell after telling her I wasn’t interested in her driving to Austin and spending the night after a half-hour long IM conversation).

There are myriad reasons why I may or may not be interested in someone.  Sometimes the chemistry (ooh how I detest that word) just isn’t there.  However there are some things that will always result in my suddenly becoming unreachable.

Take note, this applies to real life as well, not just those that find me on that dating website.  These have all happened to me, by the way.  I’m not making these up.  You can’t make this stuff up.

If you’re reading this and think it applies to you, relax.  It doesn’t.  These are from people I haven’t met and haven’t become friends with on Facebook.  Just laugh and judge along with me. 

Jameson Repellant

~ Saying you want to marry me based off of five pictures and a brief paragraph.  Congratulations, you’re officially a stereotype from a bad romantic comedy.  Tell me, did you also inhale a pint of Ben & Jerry’s when I said I had to go wash my dishes RIGHT NOW?

~ Having a screen name that includes the phrase “JelloShotGurl”.  No, I’m not impressed.

~ Living in Southeast Asia.  Apparently I’m huge in the Philippines and South Korea.  However I have zero interest in helping you gain American citizenship.  If you’re Italian, Greek, French, or Scottish though…let’s talk.

~ Living in any state other than Texas, really.  I’ll make an exception for Massachusetts but only because I could theoretically visit my family too.  And you better kick serious @$$ if you’re from Massachusetts.

~ Saying the Earth is only 6,000 years old.  I’m sorry but God didn’t leave all these velociraptor skeletons around to “test our faith.”  He did however give you a brain so that you could use it.  Sidebar: Noah was a bad @$$ but I doubt even he could keep a T-Rex from going to town and making cows (i.e. delicious, delicious steak) extinct.

~ Saying the Bible is the only book you read.  a) God probably thinks you’re a suck-up.  b) Unlike the Qur’an the Bible isn’t the result of direct dictation.  I’m pretty sure something got lost in the translation.  c) You do realize that two millennia ago The Church picked which books to include in the Gospel, right?  d) In my dating experience it’s the hardcore Christians that are the most intolerant people anyway.

~ Telling me that “y’all” isn’t a word and arguing with me about it ad nauseum.  I’m well aware it isn’t officially in the dictionary.  Neither are the words “truthiness” or “sexting” but those are generally accepted words today.  It’s a perfectly cromulent amalgamation of “you” and “all.”  Plus y’all is something we Texans take very seriously.  Texas is better than your state.  Ipso facto I’m right and you’re wrong.

~ Saying that I sound dead inside / profoundly unhappy and that you want to “save me.”  I’m going to save you a lot of time and effort right here.  You can’t change a guy.  Women have been trying for centuries to keep men from wiping their hands on their pants at the dinner table (our reasoning, we’re going to wash the pants anyway so why soil a nice cloth napkin?  Obviously).  If you can’t even fix that what do you think the odds are that you’ll be able to “save us”?

~ Including the words “Edward Cullen” anywhere in your profile.  Even ironically.

~ Saying something is ironic in the Alanis Morissette fashion.

~ Calling yourself an “artist.”  You say artist, I hear unemployed hipster.

~ Asking me to be your Facebook friend after one e-mail.  If you’re Facebook friends with me then you have access to my blog and I can’t make snarky comments about how ridiculous you are.  Duh.

~ Saying “OMG you look just like Zach Braff!” Sorry, that’s not fair because there is no way you could have known that beforehand.  I just really don’t like Zach Braff.

~ Bragging that you have a Level 80 in World of Warcraft.  I can’t believe I had to say that.